Avatars

I am on twitter and am trying to find an avatar that I really like.  I ended up creating my own and I'm looking for some sort of symbolism for weight loss surgery and this is what I found... I was offended at first, but I had to laugh.

I've lost my RNY mojo

I feel like I am at a point of discouragement and its forcing me into a corner of depression.  For the last two weeks, everything I am supposed to be eating/drinking is dumping, even though its low fat and low sugar as recommended.  I also have an urgent, yet unfullfilled craving for a Caffeine Free Dr. Pepper. Everyone told me after their weight loss surgery that they "mourned" food.  I never really had that experience thus far in my journey.  I never had the kicking screaming fit in my kitchen floor screaming "what have I done?" that I was told to be prepared for either.  Maybe this emotional/physical rut I'm in is my own version of mourning, perhaps?

I have not really cooked since surgery. I haven't yet found my postop inspiration that everyone around me in my support group has experienced. They have had a whole new world opened up to them, with all of these new recipes, techniques, and things to try. I am a creature of habit and this whole thing has just thrown my little world for a loop. But I know that was the purpose of this whole journey, was to change the habit, disrupt the routine, and to make a permanent change that will be beneficial for my overall quality of life.  Its frustrating because my go-to meals when cooking are now no-no's; things that I cannot eat anymore and I don't want to tempt myself and cook something I know I either A) Can't have or B) Will make me sick.

I've arrived at my first weight "plateau".  I was losing a pound a day or so right after surgery and the last time I weighed in, it was 1 lb for a whole week.  I think that just sort of burst my enthusiastic bubble. I know I am not getting my proper protein intake and the last two weeks, no matter what I have put in my mouth, whether good or bad - I have dumped. I spoke to my bariatric surgeon about it almost two weeks ago and he thought it was some sort of "GI bug".  But, here I am, having been going through this for two weeks now and my body is still rejecting what I put into it.  I made the mistake of trying something fried to get the protein, and amazingly, my GI system handled the "bad" (fried) things easier than it has everything else. 

Currently, I am struggling to find balance in my life.  My energy is being drained from my body pooling all of its resources trying to heal from my postop infection and then I am working full-time on top of that.  I am trying to get my calorie intake, protein intake, fluid intake, and vitamin intake but its rather difficult when everything I put into my mouth uses the "express lane" and is out of there within 30 minutes.  It makes me wonder, is the little food I am intaking doing anything for me nutritionally? Does it even have a chance for me to benefit from it before it makes a quick exit?

I still have this horror and ultimate fear of my pouch stretching out and I know it will somewhat along the journey and can stretch for the first 2 years, but lately, I am noticing its taking a little bit more food (another bite) to get that 'satisfied' feeling. I know just 'one more bite' doesn't seem to be that big of a deal and really not that much, but when you look at it was taking 2 bites to satisfy me and now we're up to 3, sometimes even 4 -- thats a 50-100% increase; thats completely terrifying to me.  To even entertain the thought that I could be back where I started just scares me to death.  I do not - at any point - want to go backwards.  I know this is just a small hurdle and all I have to do is keep running and jump.  But somehow, its more scarey when its a forced leap of faith.