Physics, motion, motivation, support, and attitude

disclaimer: I had a moment of deep thought today and literally had a cluster-fudge of a thousand thoughts, images, and quotes running through my mind.  From the laws of physics and motion, chemistry, motivation, journeys, destinations, and support - everything just overwhelmed me mentally and I guess I just took this entry and tried to sort things out; I tried to toss the things that didn't apply, to "apply" the things that did apply, and to fit them somewhere in my experience and then try to make sense of it all. 

The laws of physics in some ways, don't apply to me directly but in other ways, they apply to my journey indirectly. I'll try not to get too in-depth about all of this mess, but here is where my train of thought led me and how this entry came to be.

Newton's first law of motion is:  An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. Basically saying that objects keep on doing what they're doing unless something changes. What changed for me, was adding in the catalyst of motivation. I would've stayed on the same path I was on if I had not have had (what would be oddly "the unbalanced force" in this circumstance) support and motivation.

Speaking of support and motivation - which is the most important?  The question reminds me of a quote from Alice In Wonderfland:

Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?

The Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to
Alice: I don't much care where.
The Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.

You first must have a dream, a destination, or a desired outcome. From then on, support and motivation go hand-in-hand and can both either propel each other or destroy each other.

I have this picture hanging on the bulletin board above my desk at work. I see it everyday and its a daily reminder to me to dream, to keep striving for what I want and it makes me very aware of the path I need to travel to get there.  I know it'll be hard and will be a daily commitment on my part.  At the end of the day, its not where you're going that counts, but how you got there; its not the destination that makes the man, but the journey (even though I'm not a man). 

I have never been a social butterfly, which makes the butterfly picture so much more ironic for me, but you hear of those people who have lots of acquaintances but few friends, well I am one of those people; in a way, I think most morbidly obese people are. There are very few people they actually let "in" because of social pressures, worldly expectations and politicals perceptions of what is true "beauty" really is.  I think there are some good people still out there and I have the pleasure and priviledge of calling some of them my friends but I think there are many more people out there who would put someone down to make themselves look/feel better than there are of those people who would stand up for a stranger and take the time to get to know them.  I know, its human nature to make flash judgements on people (I have done it myself) but it takes a big person (figuratively not literally) to look deeper and to seek out the good in everyone. 

My first support is my family and the few true "friends" that I have. I know I am truly blessed.  I was raised in a good family; although we are a close-knit bunch who bicker from time to time, we love like nobody's business and support each other completely (well, most of us anyway).  I had supportive parents (I still have my mom and I know my dad is watching over me), I have a great relationship with my sister, a wonderful husband, and the few friends that I do have, are the best I could've ever asked for. When things got hard and when my dad was dying, the people I would've thought would've been there for me weren't and the people that I never really would've imagined supporting me were the ones who were there for me and my family.  Even distant relatives (who aren't so distant in location or proximity to being my immediate family) that we haven't had much communication with over the years were the first ones to show up and stayed until the very end, through it all.  I will forever be humbled and greatful for the people who were there for us.

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I have recently stumbled across some quotes by author Greg Anderson that changed me.  They changed my perception of my journey, my outlook on this whole experience, and my attitude about life in general. 

I wanted to share them with you.

“The concept of total wellness recognizes that our every thought, word, and behavior affects our greater health and well-being. And we, in turn, are affected not only emotionally but also physically and spiritually.”

“Let us be about setting high standards for life, love, creativity, and wisdom. If our expectations in these areas are low, we are not likely to experience wellness. Setting high standards makes every day and every decade worth looking forward to.”

“The perfect no-stress environment is the grave. When we change our perception we gain control. The stress becomes a challenge, not a threat. When we commit to action, to actually doing something rather than feeling trapped by events, the stress in our life becomes manageable.”

“Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it.”

“The relationships we have with the world are largely determined by the relationships we have with ourselves”

“When we are motivated by goals that have deep meaning, by dreams that need completion, by pure love that needs expressing, then we truly live life”

Here is a book written by Greg Anderson, just in case you might be interested in checking it out.  I added the amazon link for your convenience. 

He has other things that can be bought directly off of his website

You can also follow Greg's Blog.

To view everything for yourself, simply go to: http://www.greganderson.org

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I guess the point of this whole entry is to make the point that you're never too old to dream, to strive for something new, or to make a change.  You have to want it with all your being, breathe it, and then do it. You can be your own support and motivation, just make sure you remember to want it for the right reasons, to give it a sincere effort, and be open to the challenge.  Don't let the struggle discourage you or bog you down, because life changing changes you and if you let it, it can be a beautiful thing.   

I want to leave you with my all-time favorite quote about life:

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

da wagon

Needless to say today wasn't a good "diet" day.  I had a shake for breakfast, went to doc, weighed in at 450 and went and grabbed lunch with my mom and ran errands with her all day and went to dinner with my husband so I ended up eating twice *wrist smack* and I had Dr. Pepper (triple wrist smack -- I'm supposed to be off caffeine, carbonation and sugar).  Tomorrow will be a better day and I will be more focused and dedicated.  I have to be.  I've come too far to turn back now.

The missing piece to the puzzle

So I realized today while re-reading my blog that I skipped over a whole chunk.  In the interim of my father passing and the months going by after his death, our hospital got a new Bariatric director and built this whole program with wonderful team members and a great, strong support system built into the program.  So if I ever did reconsider weight loss surgery, it would be with a new physician - which it would've anyway, because I would not have gone back to that arogant SOB that ran the program before (who I can't say his name because of slander - but he took a job to head up the Memorial Hospital Bariatric Weight Loss Program if you want to google it to know who to avoid). 

So anyway - moving on!  My previous primary care physician (PCP) wasn't handling my care very well and I was getting sicker and sicker. I know fellow healthcare professionals can be the worst patients but I felt like in the past I always had to micromanage my doctors to make sure they followed through on things and to make sure their nurses didn't drop the ball.  My prior PCP's nurse was a ding bat.  My mom, sister, husband and I all went to the same physician and his nurse would call and give my results to my sister and give hers to me, which is crazy because we live in two different cities and don't even have the same last name!!   My family had several mixups that were just based on carelessness by the nursing staff and the physician not caring about his patients; so, in a moment of frustration, I decided I was on a hunt for a new PCP.  I spoke with one of my good friends (Dr. Mukta Panda), she referred me to one of her dear friends Dr. Melanie Blake - my new PCP.  I just can't say enough about her.  So far with her leading my care team, I feel like I am getting the best care that I've received throughout my whole life.  I told her up front that I want an advocate; someone who will stand up for me, fight for me, and communicate with my specialists and literally grab the bull by the horns and do whats best for me and make sure the other physicians involved in my care are doing the same thing.  She has a great attentive staff and a lovely nurse practitioner in her office, Maggie Green CNP.  I have given her premission to collaborate in my care with Dr. Panda and between those three, for once in my life, I am comfortable to let them have the reins with my health care (so to speak) and know for sure that I'll be taken care of.  I don't have the slightest urge at all to have to followup on anything.

So when I started going to Dr. Blake, we discussed the possibility of me reconsidering having weight loss surgery.  I made an appointment with the new Bariatric surgeon that took over the program, Dr. Christopher Sanborn and I loved him!  He was so sweet and considerate and real; he didn't BS me but he was not rude or mean to me either.  He's a stand-up kind of a guy; he's straight up, honest, dependable and trustworthy - and quite frankly, that is the kind of physician I want to have on my team, which he comes with his own team of nurses, assistants, bariatric coordinator - who is also a former weight loss surgery patient and an RN, nutritionist, exercise physiologists, psychiatrists, etc.  He asked me to come by and weigh in weekly until I got to a point where I was operable.  I have gone in and weighed faithfully and have lost down from 513 to 454.1.   Almost everytime I go weigh, he hears my voice or sees me walk by his office and he comes out to talk to me - to answer any questions I have, to support me, encourage me, and to make sure he's keeping track of my progress too and that says a lot to me. Its been my experience (other than my current care team that I have now) that a lot of doctors (especially surgeons) do not put in the extra effort to go above and beyond expectations and he does that without question and without fail. 

I'm really thankful to have the team I have now and am excited for this new chapter of my life to start.

My preop diet

So I went and weighed on Tuesday and my current weight was 464.6.  I started the preop diet, which consists of 4 shakes a day and either a lean cuisine or healthy choice frozen meal or a lean grilled meat and a green vegetable.

The shake options are:

1. Muscle Milk No Sugar Added Light (100 cal each), which are a bit grainy for my taste and have an off-putting smell.
2. Carnation Instant Breakfast No Sugar Added premade drinks (which smell even worse than the muscle milk and have a strange after-taste).
3. Carnation Instant Breakfast No Sugar Added packets and make the shake with 1 cup of skim milk. 

I chose option #3.  The majority of the protein is coming from the milk and its not manufactured protein that generally has a vitaminy smell, which honestly, just turns my stomach to even think about it. 

Here is my adapted recipe to make the shakes tolerable for my sensitive stomach:

• 1 packet of Carnation Instant Breakfast Essentials - No sugar added (Chocolate flavored)
• 1 cup of skim milk
• 1 tbsp of sugar free torani syrup to taste - I use SF Hazelnut or SF Caramel

• 4-5 cubes of ice

Blend until smooth and icy.  I drink mine with a straw because the milk blended with ice creates sort of a tasteless foam at the top and all of the "goodness" if you can call it that (lol) - is at the bottom.  The chocolate doesn't come through very strong. If my walmart had it, I'd buy some SF Chocolate Torani syrup, but all they had were caramel and hazelnut.  The caramel one sort of tastes like a caramello and the hazelnut smells and tastes like hazelnut (big surprise right? haha).

For the one meal-a-day option of either something frozen or something fresh, I went with the fresh option.  I have had things like salad with grilled chicken on top, BBQ chicken pizza (using a wheat tortilla as the crust), steak and salad, or something like that.  My husband is precious and is doing all of the grilling for me and he eats basically what I eat. 

I marinate all of the meat before being grilled.

Chicken:

• Bragg's Amino acids (2 tbsp)
• Mrs. Dash for grilling chicken (1 tsp)
• 3 tbsp water

Steak: 

I prefer New York strip steaks. They are tender, lean, and flavorful. 

• Bragg's Amino Acids (1 tbsp)
• Mrs. Dash for grilling for Steak (about 1 tsp)
• Worcestershire sauce (about 10 dashes)
• Soy sauce (a few dashes)
• Dale's (1-2 cap fulls max)
• garlic (2-3 cloves - lightly crushed and left mainly whole)
• pepper (about 1/4 tsp)
• seasoned meat tenderizer (about 1/4-1/2 tsp)

My husband pours the left over marinades on top of the meat right before he starts grilling it and the meat just sucks up the juices and is delicious!

My something green can be green beans, brussel sprouts, not so much peas as they are a starch, salad, broccoli, etc.  I eat mainly salad and I add tomatoes, cucumbers, fresh broccoli and cauliflaur, sometimes onion sliced really thin, low cal crotons, fat free dressing, low cal bacon bits and cheese - I let myself have REAL cheddar cheese, after all - it is a protein ;-)

So I started this diet Tuesday evening and I weighed 464.6 and I weighed Friday afternoon after work and I ended up weighing 454.1, a loss of 10.5 lbs in just over three days!

Want to try your own?  My diet is medically supervised by my own physician, but to try out some of my recipes and shakes, here's what you'll need:
       

Getting Ready..

So Wednesday, I had an appointment with my Rheumatologist.  He was so excited about my decision to do the RNY.  I have lots of questions, concerns, and worries about the whole ordeal but I talked to him about the things that dealt with my direct rheumatoid issues, which was management of my fibro medication.  Some of it, I cannot come off of abruptly; if I did, I would put myself at risk for seizures and for my body to go into a chemical-type shock.  He told me the only thing he would allow me to come off of (at this point) is the NSAID's, which RNY patients cannot take under any circumstance (which I thoroughly expected). 

I sat down and counted a few days ago and as of right now (preop) including my vitamins, I take roughly 29 pills per day: 

• 10 in the morning
• 5 vitamins (4 every day, 1 is once a week - all taken in the morning in addition to the 10 morning pills)
• 4 in the evening
• 10 at night.

Not included are my PRN drugs, inhalers, and psoriasis creams. 

On Thursday of this week, I have an appointment with my PCP and I'll let you know how things go! 

Changes, spoons, and fibro, oh my!

If someone asked me to pin-point the moment when my life changed and to find the exact moment that I made the decision to consider weight loss surgery again, I'm not sure I could tell you.  I think the past year has just been a huge transition for me and for my entire family (my support system). Losing my father at the young age of 52 made me more aware of my own mortality and made me take a hard look at how I am living my life.   It seems from the outside looking in that I have my perspective wrong and that my priorities are in the wrong place.  Its not that I don't cherish the things I need to or that I take forgranted the things I shouldn't, its just that sometimes I am too focused on other people and my job instead of caring for myself. I recently subscribed to Tyler Perry's mailing list and his latest newsletter was about taking care of yourself that if you don't take care of you, you can't possibly be around to take care of others.  That hit home for me. 

I cherish the people in my life now more than ever and I appreciate every moment I get to have with my mom (who is amazing and suffers from chronic pain from back problems, fibromyalgia, Crohn's disease and diabetes), my sister (who is incredibly strong and unbending even though she suffers from fibromyalgia and lupus herself, who is my best friend - She's also a blogger --> follow her on Twitter or check out her blog Fibro of Oz ) and my husband who is the most supportive and understanding partner and undoubtedly the nicest man I've ever met.  I know we fight sometimes, all couples do but I read something on someone else's blog and it reminded me of him. 

"Heroes stay. Heroes love. They don't wear capes...they wear wedding rings. Heroes don't wait for a symbol in the sky to know when to respond...they respond when their hearts whisper, "they need you now". Heroes don't hold press conferences...they hold hands.

In my darkest of nights, he rescues me. That's why he's a hero."

 

An exert from A Messy Happiness.  Click on the name to read her blog.  She blows me away. 

I have never been the patient, silent type but of late I have found myself spending time alone in the stillness. I woulnd't really call it "meditation" or even being in a state of deep thought, just a state of being - simply existing.  Since I have had increasing health problems, something I constantly yearn for is a vacation.  A vacation from pain, a vacation from muscle cramps/aches, a vacation from bills and responsibility - simply an escape from my reality that I created.  I had a moment of realization that I have to create my own happiness and I can't sit around waiting for the world to hand me anything, I have to work to get where I need to be and where I want to be.  I have to extend my arms in order for me to reach my destiny and for once I feel like I have the slightest bit of control regarding what my future holds and that I'm not just along for the ride. 

I know they say that if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans for your life and I believe that, but I also know that if you want something with all of your being and you work towards it, God will help you get to where you need to be and he'll give you the strength you need, even when you are out of spoons.  Spoonies know what I'm talking about - if you don't, please read the spoon theory to understand.  I have always loved playing cards.  The point of the game is that its not about getting all aces and face cards, but playing the cards you are delt well.  Thats the point in life too - especially those of us with chronic pain and big obstacles to overcome.