I never thought I would...
1. say... that it took my father dying for me to realize that I needed to start living.
2. feel... like I traded in a black jack for a red jack - I ended up with a jack either way.
explanation: jack = the struggle; black jack - before weight loss surgery with the health problems; red jack - after gastric bypass with all the pain from the complications, the infection, the endless dumping, the depression, and inability to reach the recommended daily intake of the things I need to survive.
3. think... that medical school was not my ultimate goal in life. That I could have other options and still enjoy my career and be successful and happy and feel I am making a difference.
4. miss... being a child. Being a grown-up sucks sometimes. I love the carefree, no responsibility, "I can do anything", fearless spirit of being a child.
5. touch... so many strangers who I can now call my friends - through twitter, blogging, and the weight loss surgery community around me and online.
6. dream... so closemindedly. When I started considering the GB/WLS, I saw all of the endless opportunities and options that would open up to me. It took me a long time to realize that what I want and what I need are two different things and that my best opportunities might just be the ones right in front of me. None of my dreams, no matter how big or how small, are unatainable - well except the one about being a petitie asian olympic gymnist. Thats definitely not happening.
7. be angry... with myself for not seizing every opportunity I had in my life to spend time with my dad. I was so stubborn and wrapped up in my own life to notice that I didn't include him in it as much as I could have. We would clash a lot and argue from being so alike. I wish I would have made a better effort to get along with him while he was still here. I also wish that I would not have hit "Ignore" on some of his calls and that I could hear his voice one more time. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't get angry with him for calling me as a last resort because he was lonely and everyone else he really wanted to talk to wasn't home. I am angry at myself for not appreciating him more; for going to every practice and soft ball game and being my biggest cheerleader when I was a child, even when I struck out; for waiting on me and my sister for after-school band practice in the hot car after working a long day on his feet in a hot factory for peanuts.
8. feel selfish about... my husband not being able to see his family more because he moved so far away from them just to be with me.
9. want... children. I disliked children from a young age. At one point in my life, I wanted children and my husband and I even tried to get pregnant for five years. I think though looking back, it might have been subconsciously because I thought it would help me "keep him". I now know that my marriage is based on love and I don't have to have his children for him to love me.
10. enjoy... the quiet.
I never knew I could cry so much.
No comments:
Post a Comment