Four-Letter Words

Four-Letter Words are usually associated with swear words, things that are offensive, or the "filthy" words that are bleeped out of sitcoms, talk shows, and daytime television.  Have you ever stopped to think about the other four-letter words that could be a positive influence on you and change your life?  




Here are a few that crossed my I either found in my research or that crossed my mind:

• Best - I want to be my best - the highest quality of me I can be.
  
  
• Burn - Burn the calories and burn the old self image of someone who is not there anymore.
• Care - Make any decisions to make any changes in your life from a place of love, sincerity, and good intentions.
• Core - The very center of my being and existence. The place where my morals are permanently engraved and where my deepest secrets hide. 
• Dare - I am a creature of habit and I had to dare to change. I had to embrace it and not be scared of the unknown, which if you know anything about me, you know that is very difficult for me. 
• Deep - The place where the want/need for change came from for me. I had to really make a solid decision to make a difference for myself.  I toyed with the idea of having the surgery for a long time, but once I made a sincere decision to make the change, it was a done deal. 
• Drop - Drop your weight and your bad attitude.  Make a conscious effort to not drop any of the people who supported when you were heavy and your true friends in the process. Don't get "too big for your britches" as my grandmother would say, which is ironic that I'm adding that in here because my britches are getting smaller every day. The change draws a lot of attention, especially from maybe people to whom you were invisible before. Don't forget to nurture the relationships with the people who saw who you were the whole time.
• Fear - What scares you? What scares me?  Going backwards
• Free - Free to make your own choices.
• Gift - The incredible gift of life.
• Girl - Just a girl trying to fit in and to find myself.
• Give - I am finding out how generous and giving the people are around me. Don't forget to return the gift and forward the kindness to someone else who needs it.
• Glad - Glad that I have the opportunities that I have been given
• Goal - Where do I want to be in the future? Hopefully happy and healthy.
• Good - There is a saying that "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels," but I have changed it, "Nothing tastes so good as being healthy feels"
• Grin - Its all over me!
• Grow - Learning more about me and what my purpose in life is.
• Heal - My heart heals a little each day and it starts from within.
• Help - Get help, give help. Remember that hands extend both ways, they give and they take.
• Home - Anywhere my family is.
• Hope - I have a new found hope in my new life.
• Hurt - I was in constant pain before surgery. I still hurt, but nothing like before.
• Joys - I am finding new joy that I have never experienced before. Things I once dreaded, I now look forward to. 
• Jump - Easier now
• Kids - Still up in the air
• Kind - I strive to be the kind of person I'd like to be. Its an effort each day.
• Know - I know I made the best choice for myself.
• Lady - My mom. 
• Life - Teaching me a lot
• Live - Living is a day at a time.
• Lost - Still trying to feel my way out of this dark place.
• Luck - Need more than luck to get me through. 
• More - Always wanting to learn something new.
• Move - Move more to feel the freedom in your soul
• Nice - If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all. - Thumper
• Pain - Being without the person you love.
• Pest - Sampson Houston Butler (aka Sammie)
• Play - Whenever possible
• Pray - Make an effort daily to reach out and touch your maker and feed your soul daily.
• Pure - Purest intentions, purest heart, purest love
• Rain - Nature's Tears (Healing).
• Real - Truths. Many truths.
• Safe - A secure place to be, both emotionally and physically. 
• Sale - I'm a sucker for clearance. Even crap I'll never use and don't need. I am learning more about myself everyday. 
• Sand - Something I'd love to feel between my toes someday soon. I told my husband when I was 200 lb down, that I wanted to be taken to the beach.  I'm at 194, so he better start packing!
• Save - Saved myself
• Sore - Daily battle :-)
• Tear - Tear - as in rip, hurts like hell. Tear as in crying, is nature's way of healing.
• Thin - Not as important as being healthy
• Tool - RNY LGB is just a tool. Success is determined by the lifestyle changes you make.
• True - More obvious to me now than ever
• Walk - Easier now that my body is changing
• Want - Different from need
• Warm - Have been freezing my chi chi's off since weight has started to drop! Anyone else have that problem?
• Wise - Something I hope to be one day. I thinking making this decision to change my life was a wise choice.

Skipping stones

Have you ever skipped a stone across the water?  Have you ever noticed that a single rock causes multiple disturbances in the water and for each time the rock hits the water, it causes multiple ripples? Making an important decision for your life is like tossing the stone into the water and hoping for the best.  Once you take the initial plunge and make a "big decision", the consequences of those choices begin to affect things in your life and that change changes something else and its a domino effect. 

My decision was to have weight loss surgery (i.e. the stone thrown into the water).. The consequences of that choice.. my ripples (if you will) thus far are:

• I am losing weight - which I knew would happen, but its still the first ripple
• Less stress on my joints
• Seat belts fit me in almost every vehicle I am in
• My feet don't hurt as bad. At the end of the day, they would just throb.
• My clothes are hanging on me now and I am getting to the point where I will need a new wardrobe; always a positive thing!
• Tight places (walking between things) are now not as tight, even though I still instinctively turn sideways to go through narrow openings even though I can go through them head-on now.
• My stamina/endurance walking and doing other things (cooking, cleaning, etc) has multiplied. 
• When I stop to have a conversation with someone, I can do it standing and am not struggling to find a chair to sit down to take the pressure off my back. I am still having back trouble, but I think its because I slept funny on an air mattress. 
• My opportunities have broadened
• Options I didn't think were options have now become choices (i.e. having kids, going to medical school, taking jobs in other departments that wouldn't require me to be as sedimentary, etc).

I had an epiphany - the realization that my ripples have only begun.  The rest of my life will forever be little ripples and positive consequences of this one decision that I made.. and my life may be longer because of it.

Have a big decision to make?  Do you ever think about when your ripples will begin? They already have.. Your ripples can be the consequences of an important choice that you have or have not yet made. Think about that the next time you skip a stone across the water.  Your possibilities are endless.

Choices and their shades of gray

Have you ever felt like you had the world in your hands?  the bull by the horns?  A man by his ba-- . . . okay you get the point; but have you ever felt like your world was crumbling in your hands and you have no choice but to just let the pieces fall and try to fit them back together after you see how they land? Some choices in life are so very difficult and some are easy.

I know myself well enough to know that I obsess over important decisions and I overanalyze every aspect and every possible outcome of each choice. My sister and I were raised by loving parents who completely supported us in everything we did; they also disciplined us and taught us the difference between right and wrong.  My sister (Amber) taught me and instilled into my core that life is a series of consequences of not only your actions but also your choices and to not carry the guilt of someone else's decisions, actions, or choices.  I didn't fully understand that until I got older.

"Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant." - Robert Louis Stevenson

"Keep your fears to yourself, but share your courage with others." - Robert Louis Stevenson

"The best things are nearest: breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of God just before you. Then do not grasp at the stars, but do life's plain common work as it comes certain that daily duties and daily bread are the sweetest things of life." - Robert Louis Stevenson

"You cannot run away from a weakness, you must sometimes fight it out or perish. And if that be so, why not now and where you stand?" - Robert Louis Stevenson

The last ten years has taught me the following things: 

• Just because you have moved out of your parent's house and are living on your own does not mean you are "all grown up".  Growing up starts with you and the choices you make. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to put on your "big girl panties" and do the right thing, no matter the consequences; even if it puts you in a compromising position physically, emotionally or financially. 
• I had a conversation with a physician I work with last week and we discussed decisions and choices.  His group of doctors that he has worked with for years walked out on our hospital and left our facility without the appropriate medical staff.  His group took over another hospital in the area and he would go work for them from 5a-2p and then come back to our hospital and work from 2p-midnight, even though the other people in the group gave him a hard time because of it. His wife had just had their first baby, a little girl right at that same time and after working the double shifts, he would go home and walk his baby up and down the hallway to soothe her so his wife could get some sleep.  This was his daily routine for a few months until we got a new group of doctors in to take over the contract.  He did this everyday and never complained; he did it because it was the right thing to do. That spoke volumes to me about his character and who he is as a person and the kind of person I want to be. He humbles me everytime I think of him; he is such an incredible person, not just a kick-ass doctor who saves lives everyday. He taught me that the right thing to do is never the easy thing; struggle is a part of doing what is right, but it does get better and the struggle is worth it in the end.
• Just in case you are wondering, this specific doctor and another amazing physician, who is also an amazing person, have broken away from the original group and have started their own group and are still here at our hospital running one of the subspecialty departments. I could not be happier that these are the two men we have representing that branch of our facility and their hearts are right where they need to be.
• The people who are meant to be a part of my life will be and they will be there at the exact moment they are needed.
• Every encounter with another person is an oppoturnity to change your life or theirs. 
• You have to learn to follow before you can lead.
• Some people you will teach and some people you will learn from.
• Making a decision and sticking to it and following it through with every ounce of your being can be the hardest thing to do, yet will be the most fullfilling in the long run.
• Survival is the most basic human instinct but really living is a choice. 

I have met lots of people on this journey I am on. Most of the people I have met had the surgery for good, valid, important, sincere reasons; for improved health, improved quality of life, or to open the door of possibilities - no matter how big .. or small...

I have also met people who chose this road for vanity and selfish reasons; for the attention that drastic change draws to you.  I have not openly shared with everyone that I have had this surgery done.  Its not because I think I made the wrong choice, because I didn't, but I don't want the unneccessary extra attention.  But with it all and through it all, I have found that some what would be the hardest choices in life suddenly become simple when it really matters.  My weight loss surgery was a huge decision and a difficult choice, but when it came down to losing my father way too young and me following in his footsteps, my path became clear.

"It is not so much for its beauty that the forest makes a claim upon men's hearts, as for that subtle something, that quality of air that emanation from old trees, that so wonderfully changes and renews a weary spirit." - Robert Louis Stevenson

"Give us grace and strength to forbear and to persevere. Give us courage and gaiety, and the quiet mind. Spare to us our friends, soften to us our enemies. Bless us, if it may be, in all our innocent endeavours. If it may not, give us the strength to encounter that which is to come, that we may be brave in peril, constant in tribulation, temparate in wrath, and in all changes of fortune, and down to the gates of death, loyal and loving to one another."
— Robert Louis Stevenson

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I will leave you with an excert from another blog:

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more”:

LESSONS I LEARNED FROM LIFE

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry, God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone for everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come….
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

Let Freedom Ring

To begin this entry, I would like to thank all of the people who made my freedom possible.  Thank you to all of the veterans, to everyone currently serving our country, and for all of the fallen soldiers who gave their life so we can all be free.  I also realize, it is not only the soldier who makes the sacrifice, but also their families. Their children, their spouses, their parents, their friends and anyone else who worries about them while they are in active duty and holds down the fort at home, putting on a brave face for their children and their loved ones.

free·dom

   /ˈfridəm/ Show Spelled[free-duhm] Show IPA

–noun

1.  the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint: He won his freedom after a retrial.

2. exemption from external control, interference, regulation, etc.

3. the power to determine action without restraint.

Independence, Liberated, Autonomous, To Be Free. . .

My captive has been my weight and my freedom is being released from the physical restraints of being morbidly obese.  I know I am still in the "morbidly obese" category and I know I am still big, but I am getting a little bit more of my freedom back everyday.

This is a seat belt extender.  I have had to use one in my car for the last two years because my seat belt wouldn't fit me.  Yesterday, I was able to take it off and put it in my glove compartment.  I no longer need it to feel safe in my own vehicle.  I have lost enough weight that my seat belt actually fits me (without choking me or being so tight I can't breathe). So far, every car I have been in, the seat belts have fit. 

I think the things that I appreciate the most about this whole experience are the little things. Seat belts fitting, being able to sit in a chair with arms, having to worry that a restaurant has a bathroom stall big enough that you can turn around in, being able to go to dinner and not worry about if the place has chairs or booths, or worrying about walking on something wooden (stairs, etc) and if it will hold your weight.  I was able to go on a boat ride yesterday for the first time in 14 years. I walked up a plank across a muddy spot to the dock and was able to get on and was extremely comfortable.  The little things that most people don't think about are what I appreciate.  My freedom has been with this weight loss surgery, its given me the common, everyday functions of living back. I no longer have the worry, fear, and anxiety about going places, doing things, or being around people. 

I am not sure how many people have read the book Eat, Pray, Love or have at least seen the movie.

Here is an excert from the book that changed her and it has changed me too.  This was given to her in the context of her marriage dissolving and letting go and moving on, but I can apply it to my own life and maybe some of you could too.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FREEDOM

These instructions were given to her at the ashram before her final ritual of letting go of her marriage.

1. Life's metaphors are God's instructions.

2. You have just climbed up and above the roof. There is nothing between you and the Infinite. Now, let go.

3.The day is ending. It's time for something that was beautiful to turn into something else that is beautiful. Now, let go.

4. Your wish for resolution was a prayer. Your being here is God's response. Let go, and watch the stars come out - on the outside and the inside.

5. With all your heart, ask for grace, and let go.

6. With all your heart, forgive him, FORGIVE YOURSELF, and let him go.

7. Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering. Then, let go.

8. Watch the heat of the day pass into the cool of the night. Let go.

9. When the karma of a relationship is done, only love remains. It's safe. Let go.

10. When the past has passed from you at last, let go. Then climb down and begin the rest of your life. With great joy.

I must have a plan...

They have said all along that this surgery is not an end-all fix-all, but a tool that can help you if you make the effort, have a plan, and stick to it.

I have made the decision to make changes in my life.  I have the plan, am making the effort, and now I just have to stick to it.  I need to integrate exercise into my everyday life, get enough nutrition to be productive, and get all of my vitamins/nutrients so I don't lose my curly brown hair!